Movie Review: EXORSISTER! Episode 1 of 4

aka Chô-yôma densetsu Uratsuki-dôji: Makai gakuen-hen
Directed by Takao Nakano
Japan; 1994

Grab your hat and warm up the headlamps, ‘cause we’re taking that left turn at Albuquerque straight down to Video Underground! And who better to host our journey through the television starkly than everybody’s favorite nutcases of the Pacific Rim?

The first episode of this tits-n-tentacles squirmfest sets the stage with a TV commercial for the Exorsister and how she can help with all your pesky ectoplasmic emergencies. My print isn’t subtitled, but I can’t help but wondering if the slogan “No job is too big, no fee is too big!” somehow made it’s way into the spot.

A nerdy timid-looking schoolgirl is minding her own business, strolling around campus and talking to trees (which apparently talk back). Abruptly, she’s accosted by two bad girls, of the cigarette and furrowed brow variety, who bully her into an abandoned room, stripping her of lunch money, as well as clothing, and vigorously molest her from stems to sternum. Naturally, our girl can do nothing but moan, writhe, and squeak in helplessness [thank you, God].
Later that night, Miss Timid is up in her room surfing up some Internet black magic-flavored revenge. She feverishly starts muff-buffing herself to seal the digital deal, conjuring a clutch of demons ready to work– an old man in a wheelchair who turns into a giant rubber-suited kaiju demon; a gorilla demon; a bug-headed suit and tie demon; a two–faced demon; a sprightly demoness who looks and acts like Delirium from The Sandman comics; and finally, a mischievously squat demon, also outfitted in rubber with several tentacles that look suspiciously like vacuum hoses!
Suddenly, Schoolgirl finds herself transported to an infernal place, otherwise naked in white panties [drool] and restrained by hoses...er...tentacles which probe her every orifice in squishy detail.

Probing complete, Schoolgirl’s out and finds Bad Girl #1 skaggin’ it up in a local bar. She gives BG1 the diabolique smackdown, including several vaginal stompings for good measure. Walking through the streets drunk on the fog of possession, she picks up a strange man for a long, albeit optically censored, suck an’ fuck session in a hotel, climaxing with one of the most pitiful cumshots anyone’s ever bothered to record.
Back home, Schoolgirl is totally eat up wit’ da evil. Dear old Dad’s in hysterics, knocked to his knees by his little girl who adds a dash of insult with a healthy middle finger salute and an obstinate “Fuck you, very much!” in a most marbled English.
Who you gonna call?
Decked out in leather boots, hat, and skirt, the Exorsister rides to the rescue on her black Kawasaki, a cigarette clenched between the teeth and a badass golden cross, with switchblade knives tucked away at each ornate station, very close at hand. Consulting Raimi’s edition of the Necronimikon, she discusses the situation with Dad, still in hysterics. Stepping in to the bedroom, Exorsister finds Schoolgirl floating in a white dress, barking in a deep voice with lots of reverb. A quick blast from a plastic Uzi filled with Holy water brings the schoolgirl down, and washes the demon inside her right out.

From here we’re treated to an extended sex session between Tentacle demon and Bad Girl #1, resplendent with nylon-ripping, nipple rolling, extreme camel toe and a very noisy blowjob! Then, another demon gets his claws on the much hotter Bad Girl #2 for an even longer screw-baller, where she squeaks herself senseless in many a manner of torrid positions. Afterwards, both Bad Girls get the full-on Vacuum Hose Between the Legs massage package, and eventually are forced to square off for the demons’ amusement wearing the sluttiest threads imaginable.

The episode ends after Exorsister storms in on the demon horde, and takes them out with one boomerang’s throw of her golden cross, ultimately shooting that annoying tentacled hoser right through the brain with a good old fashioned bullet. Kawasaki mounted, she rides off into the night.

Directed by the man who gave us that gory breast-athon, THE KILLER PUSSY, this SOV spectacle was painfully low budget, but fun fun fun, with a few bizarre monkey wrenches occasionally thrown in at random (Leatherface? Is that you?!). Unfortunately, the sex scenes took up a lot of the 60+ minute running time. I say unfortunately, because I would’ve liked to see more of the titular heroine in action. I s’pose editing the episodes together would be a good way to go. That being said, the sex, despite being obscured by digital mosaics is hot and certainly does the trick. If’n you like that sorta thing.
The remaining episodes are cut from the same cloth, but perhaps a rundown of my favorite moments may warrant a reappearance in this hallowed blog.
Any other fans of this series should feel free to do the same!

Review by Scott Wallis!